She breaths in the cool air and pulls the baby's hood up before tightening her own jacket. She remembers the laundry on the sofa but knows the children will run inside shortly and that her time outside will be limited. She leans back and pulls her knees up so that her feet are now at the edge of the bench and the baby is high up on her knees smiling toothilly. She blows in her face and takes in her laugh. The girls rush past them, into the house and she reminds them that their shoes and coats must be removed and put away. She fetches their slippers and they go into the kitchen to put them on. She listens to the little girl read while bouncing the baby on her knee. The child rarely asks for her for help with a word and though this makes her proud but it also makes her sad. The tot has resumed her drawing. The doorbell rings, she places the baby into her haighchair and straps her in. At the door greetings and news are exchanged with the older girl's escort. After shutting and locking the door, the woman holds her still, removes her shoes, removes her coat, and then sets her free.
She opens the girl's book bag and finds the diary to read what the child has got up to today. She finds clothes that needs washing and removes them from the bag. She hears the beep of the oven's alarm and walks over to both shut off the heat and sound, as well as remove the meal to leave in on the side for cooling. She walks to the living room and finds the girl st on the sofa flipping throug it's pages. Her heart aches. She thinks of the way her little sister read her school books with ease and considers the fact that the older girl may never read. Her face warms and eyes fill. As she blinks a single tear rolls down her cheek and she runs to the toilet and shuts the door. She turns the extractor fan on while she composes herself. She puts the lid down and sits with knees against her chest pushing as hard as she can. She want to scream. She wants to throw herself around and howl but she bites her knee and holds her breath. Her hands in her hair, she tightens the grip and slowly exhales. She blows her nose, splashed water on her face and looks into the mirror. She pulls the hair up in a knot, dries her hands, shuts the light off and grabs the diary once she's left the loo.
She walks over to the sofa and sits next to the child with the book. "Oooo, so you enjoyed painting today, how fun" the woman says, "and you ate all your tea and sat well for big book, that's very good" the child makes no response or even acknowledgement of the woman and the woman wonders if perhaps if it is because this child sees her for what she is, a ghost. Not really present, not totally gone, drifting from room to room just hoping to be noticed. She pushes the thought from her mind and instead examines what the book the child is admiring without touching it. "What a beautiful Christmas tree" she says, "so many lights and bobbles, woooow." The child looks up and smiles. She raises her eyebrows and shows her teeth "gooe geeell, gooe geeel" and the woman smiles back. "Yes, good girl. Very very good girl" and she hugs the child. The presses her chin into the women's shoulder painfully and then examines her face with her fingers. Eyes, mouth, teeth. She makes excited noises and begins her chant once more,"Goooe geeel, gooe geeeel." The woman plants a kiss on her forehead and lifts herself, taking the child by the hand and leading her to the kitchen.
The baby smiles and squeals with delight when she sees the woman. The woman pats her head and passes her back the toy that is on the floor beside her highchair. She played up the dinner and serves the girls. She cooks a scrambled egg between the older girls mouthfuls and then give the baby it once the child has finished her dinner. The loads the dishwasher while the two middle children finish up their meals and she unsteady the baby. The woman takes the oldest and youngest up the stairs and runs the bath. She locks the top stair gate and gathers pjs for everyone. She strips off quickly and washes as fast as she can, the baby banging on her drum beside the tub and the child looking through her book in her own room. She stands as wraps a towel round her body and another around her hair. As she dries herself she takes in the body she no longer recognises. Her disappearing waistline, the flab of her belly and legs that would better suit an elephant. Even her arms do not suite her slight frame, a frame which she is sure is the only reason she does not appear terribly overweight to others. The baby's shrieks of delight are s thankful distraction. She is now around the woman's ankles and on her knees. The woman lifts her and sits her on the bed while she pulls on a pair of the man's shrunken pyjama bottoms and a tshirt. She lifts the baby and retrieves the older child. Undresses her and guides her to the bath where she washes her hair and body. She undresses the baby and does the same. She pulls the newly washed baby outbid the tub, dries and dresses her, still observing the child who is now lying in the tub with barely her face peeping out of the water. She sits bad nurses the infant.
Once the baby has fallen asleep she gently extracts her nipple from her mouth. She rocks her gently and then lays her in the cot. She knows she does not have long so she rushes back to the bathroom, rinses the child and then wraps her in a towel. She brushes her teeth and then walks her to her room where she dresses her and administrates the first of her medication so that the child can begging to relax. She turns on an audiobook and gently shuts the door. The footsteps on the stairs have now reached the landing and the girls are already stepping off their clothing. One by one they deposit themselves in the bath and one by one the woman washed them. "Please can we stay and play mermaids" says the older of the two and the woman nods in reply. She goes back to the room and watches the baby fidget in her cot. After a short time she returns with the baby in tow and helps the girls out of the tub. The older girl releases the water and the tot demands to be released first. The woman dries them and soup revises teeth brushing. She watches them change into their night wear and then tells them they can play in their rooms for a half hr before tidying. The puts the baby in the floor in their room and then gets the rest of the older child's medication and enters her room.
The child is up in her bed, still turning the pages of the book. The woman reaches out to her and the child pushes her hand away so now the woman reaches for the book and the child follows it, annoyed with the woman for having the nerve. The woman changes her nappy for the last time of the evening and gives her the rest of the medication, she kisses her forehead and allows her to return to her bed while the woman closes the curtains she opens the bedroom door slightly so that she can keep an eye on the baby and waits until the child's medication begins to take affect. The woman sits back in a child sized ikea chair and rests back, listening to the child's audiobook until the child gives in and lies back. After her eyes have been closed for a while she begins to gently peel the child's fingers away from the book and lifts it off of the bed. She keeps one hand on the child's, it's warmth spreading into her own and spreading up her arm and into her heart. She has wished so many things for this child but unfortunately wishes are not enough. She squeezes it gently and then let's go feeling her chest tighten. She deposits the storybook into it's storage space, turns off the audiobook, takes a final look at the beautiful child and then walks out, closes and locks the door.
She finds the baby waving a toy around before her, the child drawing out characters with which to play and the toddler unleashing her rath on the bunked with a foam sword. "That's enough playtime, now give me your books and I'll start reading while you tidy everything away." She sits on yet another okra chair and the baby crawls to her and pulls herself into the woman's lap. She reads the toddler's choice first while intermittently reminding the girls of their task and when they are finished she kisses them both and tucks them in. She sits back on the chair with the baby and the picks up the volume of Harry Potter they are on. She remembers what the teaching assistant from the little girl's class said about the mysterious humming of the Harry Potter theme song during class and how they all knew it's source though the dare not reveal it. She suppresses a chuckle and looks up at the child, her little hand and eyes peeking from over the bedside, listening to the words in awe. When she finished she sings a song she has sung since they were newborns and tells them she loves them. Then she does the same outside of the older child's room with her forehead pressed against the door and the baby on her hip.
The woman brushes her teeth while the baby pulls at her hair and then she rinses her mouth. She goes back down the stairs and does a final deep of the doors and lights. She makes sure the dishwater is set so that it will be ready by morning and she hurries up the stairs with the ban still in tow. She checks the baby's nappy and lies on the bed with her examining her hands, so perfect, so small, before showering her in kisses and watching her giggle sleepily. The baby reaches at her top and tugs so she nurses her and in moments she is back asleep. It's 7:30om and the woman is knackered, she lifts the baby off her side and places her onto her chest before turning out the light and closing her eyes.
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